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Archive for the 'Red States' Category
Bottom of the Cracker Barrel
Posted by Clif on 03/18/07 at 1:51 pm
Category: Civil Rights, Loathsome Republicans, Red States
Georgia Republican Jeff Mullis is worried that not enough Georgians are showing the proper respect for their Confederate heritage. So he introduced legislation permanently designating the entire month of April as Confederate Heritage Month, which, not surprisingly, sailed through a the Georgia Senate Rules Committee without a peep of opposition.
Although the legislation doesn’t provide examples of how the Confederacy might best be commemorated, several ideas leap to mind:
- African Americans in Georgia would be required to work for the entire month of April without pay.
- Elementary school children would be taught that the real name for the Civil War is the “War of Northern Aggression.”
- The National Anthem could be replaced with the singing of Dixie at all sporting events in Georgia for the entire month.
- A delegation of New Yorkers could be invited to Chickamauga and then shot.
At the same time that the Georgia legislators are getting all fired up to pine for the good ole days when the nigrahs knew their place, they have been declaring that a bill to apologize for slavery is as pointless as a two-legged hunting dog. House Speaker, Glenn Richardson (R - Hiram) said that he’s “not sure what we ought to be apologizing for.” Senator Mullis said he didn’t feel any need to apologize for something in which he didn’t take part:
If I had done something personally, yes, I would apologize.
So let me get this straight. Richardson, Mullis and their fellow Republicans feel bound to honor a war that their ancestors fought to preserve slavery but feel no obligation to apologize for the slavery that those same hallowed ancestors fought to defend.
I would call these folks crackers but that would be an insult to the intelligence of boxes of Saltines on grocery shelves nationwide.
I See Dead People
Posted by Clif on 12/6/06 at 10:01 pm Category: Red States, Stupid Republicans
America’s Silliest Senator, Jefferson Beauregard1 Sessions III, admitted today during the Gates hearing that he has that sixth sense:
I talk to those who’ve lost their lives, and they have that sense of duty and mission.
Jeffie Beau hasn’t been quite right in the head since they broke to him the bad news that he was now in the minority party and he misunderstood what sort of minority they were talking about.
_______
1Beauregard is the best middle name in the Senate, even better than Felix, and it is, in fact, the middle name of Senator Sessions.
Twice Bitten, Not Shy
Posted by Clif on 11/12/06 at 1:26 pm Category: Red States
In case you’ve wondered how the residents of Kentucky could be so idiotic as to elect both Jim Bunning and Mitch McConnell to the U.S. Senate, consider this recent item in the Lexington Herald-Leader:
Police don’t anticipate filing charges in the case of a woman who died after being bitten by a rattlesnake she was handling in church.
Police identified the woman yesterday as Linda F. Long, 48, of London. She was bitten in the face at a church service in Laurel County on Sunday evening and died a little before 11 p.m. at the University of Kentucky Medical Center, where she was flown for treatment.
And even though anyone who handles snakes in church should know better, the unfortunate victim in this case really should have known better:
The sheriff’s office in Lee County, Va., said Long apparently was related by marriage to a snake-handling preacher there who died in April 2004 after being bitten by a snake during an Easter service.
In 2004 George Bush took 76% of the vote in Laurel County.
Biting the Hand
Posted by Clif on 03/12/06 at 9:32 am Category: Red States, Stupid Republicans
The always moronic Spencer Bachus (R - Al) never fails to amuse. Last week he was taken to a dinner in his honor by the Independent Community Bankers of America. Here’s how he thanked his hosts:
“They took us to a very expensive sushi bar,” Bachus said sourly. “They kept bringing out these courses and people kept lookin’ at’em. It looked almost like something when you’re deep sea fishing that you hook on for bait. . . . What a waste of money.”
“Washington is that way a lot. They tell you they’re going to spend a lot of money on you and they do, but it’s a bunch of sushi.”
In case you’ve forgotten Rep. Bachus, he’s the guy who accused Bill Maher of treason for daring to mention that the Army wasn’t meeting its recruiting goals.
The Holy Trinity of Alabama
Posted by Clif on 01/19/06 at 9:35 am Category: Civil Rights, Red States
Most white Alabamans would rather drive their Chevy into a ditch than celebrate a holiday commemorating a black man. So Alabama kindly provides its citizens the opportunity to celebrate the birthday of Robert E. Lee instead of Martin Luther King Day.
This year on MLK Day, Gary Carlyle. the principal of Sylvania High School in Dekalb County, Alabama, organized a Robert E. Lee celebration in front of the Blount County Courthouse. He got all decked out in a Robert E. Lee costume and ran up the Confederate Flag on the courthouse flagpole (just in case anybody had second thoughts about whether the day commemorated a black man or a confederate racist). Then he gave a speech:
Parents, young people, businessmen and educators can learn from Lee, Carlyle said.“You must be diligent in the instruction of your children and begin by teaching them the great love of God,” Carlyle quoted Lee, adding, “not teaching them sex education, alternative lifestyles, or tolerance for anti-Christian groups.”
Carlyle then went on to share a little known secret about the Civil War not widely known outside of Alabama. The real reason the South went to war against the North was that Abraham Lincoln was gay.
Alabama Round-Up
Posted by Clif on 11/12/05 at 12:23 pm Category: Red States
Alabama voters still give Bush a 51% approval rating. Only six states give Bush a higher approval rating. A little round-up of some recent news items in Alabama newspapers might explain why people in Alabama are still so fond of the Shrub.
Our round-up starts with an item in yesterday’s Birmingham News:
The Alabama Board of Education voted Thursday to continue requiring a disclaimer in the front of biology textbooks that “evolution is a controversial theory.”
Controversial, perhaps, to people who still think that the universe is 6,000 years old and that fossils are the work of Satan.
Next we have Governor Bob Riley, who according to this article in Wednesday’s edition of the Birmingham News, is urging a boycott of Aruba based on the failure of Aruban authorities to find those responsible for killing a white female tourist from Alabama last May. The governor is apparently too dim-witted to recognize the irony of faulting Aruba for failing to solve the murder of one white woman from Alabama in six months, when it took 37 years for the state to solve the murder of four young black girls in the 1963 Birmingham church bombings.
No survey of recent news stories in Alabama would be complete without finding reporters and editors who apparently speak some language other than standard English. A good example, and the third item in our round-up, is this snippet from the November 9 Mobile Register:
Two former sheriff’s officers testified Monday that they heard Tillman use racial epitaphs.
Presumably they heard him do this on the graveyard shift.
Our fourth item in today’s Alabama round-up is an advice column printed today in the Huntsville Times which responded to an unusual question from a perplexed Alabaman:
When using the cell phone to dial 911, do you have to put in an area code if you are not in the area code from which you are dialing?
I suppose this might happen if you were standing in Alabama while holding the cellphone just over the Alabama-Georgia border, but it strikes me that if some urgent need arose to call 911 it might be easier to bring the cellphone back into Alabama rather than to figure out the area code for Georgia. Just a thought.
If you think this statewide stupidity might be the result of massive inbreeding, you are probably not too far off the mark. Consider our fifth news item from the November 11 edition of the Mobile Register:
Mobile police arrested William Tucker Cobb, 39, Wednesday afternoon and charged him with first-degree sexual abuse of a girl he knows but is not related to.
Apparently no crime would have been committed if he had been related to her.
That probably explains our final item in today’s round-up, this story which ran on November 9 in the Mobile Register:
A North Carolina man who impregnated a family member when he lived in Citronelle in the late 1990s will be sentenced on Dec. 15 in Mobile County Circuit Court for the crime of incest.The prosecutor in the case and the lawyer for David Allen Coker said the defendant and his victim were not related by blood.
Apparently in Alabama it is only legal to have sex with relatives, which goes a good way toward explaining why Alabama is one of the few places on the face of the planet that supports George Bush.
A New Threat to Marriage
Posted by Clif on 11/3/05 at 8:48 am Category: Gay Issues, Red States, Stupid Republicans
The biggest threat to marriage in Texas isn’t gay marriage but the functionally illiterate Texas Republican legislator Wayne Chisum. Chisum is the author of anti-gay marriage initiative Proposition 2, which, if read literally, would make marriage illegal in Texas.
Proposition 2 on the Nov. 8 ballot states that marriage exists only as a union of one man and one woman. It then adds that the state or political subdivision of the state “may not create or recognize any legal status identical or similar to marriage.” Apparently Chisum has problems with big, four-syllable words like “identical”
When this drafting mistake was pointed out to Chisum, he had this to say:
It’s just crazy. This is politics at its lowest level here. They’re just trying to scare people.
Calling this a “scare tactic,” of course, is choice since Chisum himself has been whipping up his trailer-park constituents and scaring the beejebus out of them for years by telling them that if gay marriage is allowed, every man in Texas will be forced to marry his drinking buddy. Once again proving that everything is bigger in Texas, including their idiots.
A Dog Named Rainbow
Posted by Clif on 10/7/05 at 9:02 am Category: Humor, Red States
If I were a producer for the Jerry Springer Show, I would definitely open an office in Mulga, Alabama — at least if this article in the Birmingham News is anywhere near true. (For best effect, imagine all the dialogue in the following post in a deep Southern drawl, or maybe in the whiny nasal southern twang of Senator Jeff Sessions if you have ever had the misfortune of hearing him).
On Tuesday, Mulga City Council member Jonathan Lankford got into a shouting match in a parking lot with fellow council member Debbie Coe. Apparently Jonathan called Debbie an ugly name so she stormed into that evening’s city council meeting with malice in her heart and vengeance on her mind.
Coe accused Lankford of slandering her when she asked him outside if he was still living in Mulga or had moved to Southside two weeks ago.She said she was going “to press charges” for the name calling incident. Lankford brushed off the threat.
“No. 1, no one heard me, and No. 2, we were outside, not in here,” he said.
Coe said others did hear the remarks and she was ashamed of him. He said he was ashamed of her, too.
Well, when Jonathan said he was “ashamed” of Debbie, something in Debbie just snapped, snapped I tell you:
Coe insisted the question of residency needed to be resolved.“Has Mr. Lankford moved or not?” she asked.
Things were not looking good for Jonathan’s career on the Mulga City Council, but things were going to get worse. Cue up here the Jerry Springer moment:
“Yes, he has,” said a voice from out in the audience. “I’m his mother. He has moved out. I moved him out.”
You gotta feel for Jonathan getting whomped by his momma like that in front of probably half the town of Mulga. This, however, is obviously not the first time that Jonathan and his momma have had words, so Jonathan bucked up and tried to mount a valiant defense:
Lankford suggested he is house-sitting for someone, said he is still a registered voter at 302 School Road and has possessions at that address. He said he had also contacted the Alabama League of Municipalities about the situation. “Montgomery says I can resign tonight after participating in this meeting,” he said.“You will be off the council if you are not living there (in the district),” said McCrary.
Okay, now Jonathan was getting fed up and decided it was time for some finger pointing of his own.
Lankford then said Coe had lived in Crumly Chapel for a time while holding office and he referred to a former council member who had lived elsewhere for seven months.“That’s enough arguing. I’m tired of hearing it. Let’s move on,” said McCrary.
Having been rebuffed by the Mayor, Jonathan decided it was time to fold his cards and move on, just like the mayor said. At the end of the meeting, he read this touching resignation into the minutes of the city council meeting:
As of Oct. 4, I do hereby resign tonight. I left two weeks ago but I still have property there (302 School Road) including my dog Rainbow, who will be out of there by Oct. 7. I hope the city will find someone who respects and represented the city as well as I did.
You know, I think if Jonathan had played the dog card earlier he might still be on the council. But he didn’t and now he’s history. But our story is not yet over by any means. Cue up the “and your little dog too” moment:
At that point Lankford’s mother, Jo Ann Lankford, said, “Will you let me keep Rainbow?”
And with that I think Jo Ann Lankford is now my personal nominee for America’s Worst Mother™.
The mayor, however, anxious to get home to a mess of fried fish and a pitcher of iced tea, put an end to our sad little story:
“That is personal business. Y’all can talk about it outside. It will not be discussed at this table,” said McCrary, calling for a motion to adjourn.
I don’t know about you, but I’d give anything to be at 302 School Road when Jonathan goes home to fetch Rainbow.