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Archive for the 'Humor' Category
Sprechen Sie Ursprache?
Posted by Clif on 06/3/06 at 1:06 pm
Category: Humor
Where, I ask, is the outrage? Why aren’t the English Only folks exposing the perfidy of the French assimilationists and German spies who have turned that great national institution — the National Spelling Bee — into an incomprehensible melange of foreign words? The word spelled by the winner of the Spelling Bee was “ursprache.” Ursprache! What is that? Some kinda dish made from sausage and sauerkraut?!?
In my view it all started when those Latinos starting waving Mexican flags all the time. Now, we are indoctrinating American students so that they think that foreign words are actual English words. Here are some words that innocent American children were forced to spell: weltschmerz (German), tutoyer (French), esquisse (French), douane (French), Wehrmacht (German), giocoso (Eye-talian), escargotiere (French - something about snails!!), koinonia (Greek), and basmati (Hindi).
And you know what the result of all this foreign-ness was? A foreigner almost won. That’s right. A Canadian, who was suspiciously given lots of French words, mispelled weltschmertz, a German word, in the final round. Otherwise a Canadian would have won! What was she doing there in the first place? Probably she snuck across the border illegally to come to our spelling bee because the spelling bees in Canada really suck.
Folks this is the National Spelling Bee? National — that means Americans only, and American words, and American food like freedom fries and freedom vanilla ice cream. Otherwise, the terrorists have won.
UPDATE: Spelling of weltschmerz corrected, thanks to a catch by commenter Jade. I do not apologize for this error since no red-blooded American should be required to spell such a word correctly. And no schadenfreude over this will be tolerated.
Sneak Preview
Posted by Clif on 05/27/06 at 4:04 pm Category: Humor
A friend of mine who is well-connected at the Washington Post leaked to me an advance copy of Laura Blumenfeld’s next “Off Camera” column. In her last column, Ms. Blumenfeld enthralled readers with her compelling tale of Senate Leader Frist, a stethoscope, a gorilla, a blow-dryer and some “silverback testosterone.” In her next column, which is exclusively previewed here at Outside the Tent, Ms. Blumenfeld profiles a typical morning in the life of Dennis Hastert.
Click here for this exclusive preview.
Atrios: All Your Blogroll Are Belong To Us
Posted by Clif on 04/21/06 at 11:48 pm Category: Humor
Ever since my first post to this blog on November 9, 2003, I’ve toiled away in the shadows of Mr. Duncan Black a/k/a Atrios at Eschaton. I’ve done everything possible to attract his attention and to get him to throw a few crumbs my way, but to no avail. He’s always been too busy photographing his cats, or selling the latest Dixie Chicks or Red Hot Chili Peppers CD, not to mention launching yet another OpenThreadBot.
So, ever since that day, like the urchin staring through the restaurant window at someone else’s plate of foie gras, I’ve been plotting and scheming to get a piece of his blog. First, I thought I could divert all his traffic to my blog by making Outside the Tent look just like Eschaton, which shouldn’t be hard, just your basic black on light blue and a three-column layout with a bunch of ads. But I couldn’t bring myself to make my blog look so, well, plain. It’s a genetic thing; not simply a blog-style choice.
After that I thought the most I could hope would be to weasel my way onto his blogroll. Again, not an easy task. For a while, I considered renaming Outside the Tent to Tbogg as a way of doing that.
Then a better method for sneaking onto Atrios’s blogroll fell right into my lap. Kevin Hayden asked me to join The American Street and post for them on Saturdays. And The American Street is on Duncan’s blogroll!
Wheeeeee!! I’m in!! Thank God Almighty, I’m free on Atrios’s blogroll at last.
So come over and visit me on Saturday’s at The American Street. Please visit early and often because once they read my posts (hell, once they read this post) I’m sure that I’ll be kicked to the curb and forced to post only at my own blog again.
Just a Youthful Indiscretion
Posted by Clif on 12/1/05 at 12:58 pm Category: Humor, Lying Republicans
Another great editorial cartoon from Mike Luckovich at the AJC.
Thanksgiving with Jonah the Whale Sea Otter
Posted by Clif on 11/23/05 at 9:05 am Category: Humor
Those of the largest size,
Holding his pocket-handkerchief
Before his streaming eyes.
There is no doubt that this loathsome image from Jonah Goldberg’s Thanksgiving column at Clown Hall will cause most of my readership to flee in terror, cursing my name, but I simply couldn’t resist:
But since this is Thanksgiving, I thought maybe we could take the discussion in another direction. Thanksgiving, after all, is first and foremost about giving thanks (a close second is the tradition of lying on the couch eating super-nummy turkey sandwiches off your belly like a sea otter munching a crab leg).
Happy Thanksgiving everyone! See you on Friday.
A Dog Named Rainbow
Posted by Clif on 10/7/05 at 9:02 am Category: Humor, Red States
If I were a producer for the Jerry Springer Show, I would definitely open an office in Mulga, Alabama — at least if this article in the Birmingham News is anywhere near true. (For best effect, imagine all the dialogue in the following post in a deep Southern drawl, or maybe in the whiny nasal southern twang of Senator Jeff Sessions if you have ever had the misfortune of hearing him).
On Tuesday, Mulga City Council member Jonathan Lankford got into a shouting match in a parking lot with fellow council member Debbie Coe. Apparently Jonathan called Debbie an ugly name so she stormed into that evening’s city council meeting with malice in her heart and vengeance on her mind.
Coe accused Lankford of slandering her when she asked him outside if he was still living in Mulga or had moved to Southside two weeks ago.She said she was going “to press charges” for the name calling incident. Lankford brushed off the threat.
“No. 1, no one heard me, and No. 2, we were outside, not in here,” he said.
Coe said others did hear the remarks and she was ashamed of him. He said he was ashamed of her, too.
Well, when Jonathan said he was “ashamed” of Debbie, something in Debbie just snapped, snapped I tell you:
Coe insisted the question of residency needed to be resolved.“Has Mr. Lankford moved or not?” she asked.
Things were not looking good for Jonathan’s career on the Mulga City Council, but things were going to get worse. Cue up here the Jerry Springer moment:
“Yes, he has,” said a voice from out in the audience. “I’m his mother. He has moved out. I moved him out.”
You gotta feel for Jonathan getting whomped by his momma like that in front of probably half the town of Mulga. This, however, is obviously not the first time that Jonathan and his momma have had words, so Jonathan bucked up and tried to mount a valiant defense:
Lankford suggested he is house-sitting for someone, said he is still a registered voter at 302 School Road and has possessions at that address. He said he had also contacted the Alabama League of Municipalities about the situation. “Montgomery says I can resign tonight after participating in this meeting,” he said.“You will be off the council if you are not living there (in the district),” said McCrary.
Okay, now Jonathan was getting fed up and decided it was time for some finger pointing of his own.
Lankford then said Coe had lived in Crumly Chapel for a time while holding office and he referred to a former council member who had lived elsewhere for seven months.“That’s enough arguing. I’m tired of hearing it. Let’s move on,” said McCrary.
Having been rebuffed by the Mayor, Jonathan decided it was time to fold his cards and move on, just like the mayor said. At the end of the meeting, he read this touching resignation into the minutes of the city council meeting:
As of Oct. 4, I do hereby resign tonight. I left two weeks ago but I still have property there (302 School Road) including my dog Rainbow, who will be out of there by Oct. 7. I hope the city will find someone who respects and represented the city as well as I did.
You know, I think if Jonathan had played the dog card earlier he might still be on the council. But he didn’t and now he’s history. But our story is not yet over by any means. Cue up the “and your little dog too” moment:
At that point Lankford’s mother, Jo Ann Lankford, said, “Will you let me keep Rainbow?”
And with that I think Jo Ann Lankford is now my personal nominee for America’s Worst Mother™.
The mayor, however, anxious to get home to a mess of fried fish and a pitcher of iced tea, put an end to our sad little story:
“That is personal business. Y’all can talk about it outside. It will not be discussed at this table,” said McCrary, calling for a motion to adjourn.
I don’t know about you, but I’d give anything to be at 302 School Road when Jonathan goes home to fetch Rainbow.
Getting One’s Goat
Posted by Clif on 07/27/05 at 4:49 pm Category: HumorFrom CNN’s home page a few minutes ago:
The former president reportedly said that he’s already married, and that there weren’t enough goats in the world to get him to do it again. Chelsea’s response was even more to the point: “Ick!” Rick Santorum blamed the startlingly incestuous proposition on gay marriage in Massachusetts, and said he wouldn’t be surprised if Chelsea wound up marrying an entire herd of goats when all was said and done.
(The mangled CNN headline links to this story.)
Don’t Call Me Sir!
Posted by Clif on 07/21/05 at 9:47 pm Category: Humor
New York Times, July 21, 2005:
The school yearbook from 1972, his junior year, shows [Judge Roberts] played Peppermint Patty in the production of “You’re A Good Man, Charlie Brown.”
Robert Black, Texas GOP spokesman:
We don’t allow pedophiles, transvestites or cross-dressers.