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Archive for August 2007
Linda Chavez: “Larry Craig Is Only Guilty of Toeing The Potty Line.”
Posted by Clif on 08/30/07 at 8:40 pm
Category: Wingnuts, Stupid Republicans
Right-wing homophobic dingbat Linda Chavez is convinced that the only reason Larry Craig is in the news for his potty pickup attempt is because he’s a Republican. If a Democrat got caught doing the same thing, she asserts, he’d get a pony, a free lifetime membership in the ACLU, and a guest role on Will & Grace. Just like Bill Clinton did.
But the weirdest part of Linda’s column was this dim-witted defense of Larry Craig’s pas de deux with the undercover cop:
Now this behavior might have been annoying, even offensive, if the man in the other stall were there attending to bodily functions. But he wasn’t. He was a police officer who was there solely to catch homosexual men soliciting others for consensual sex.
That’s just bonkers. Do you think that Chavez would say, for example, that it was annoying, even offensive, for William Jefferson to take a bribe from someone trying to influence his activities, but he wasn’t — he was taking money from an FBI agent who was trying to catch Congressmen taking bribes?
What about Barney Frank, Huh? Huh?? Answer Me!!
Posted by Clif on 08/28/07 at 12:40 pm Category: Gay Issues, Wingnuts, Republican Hypocrites
Larry Craig’s arrest for playing footsie with an undercover cop in a men’s room stall is not only an occasion for schadenfreude by many but also is the occasion for a bumper crop of inanity from the wingnuts. The current front-runner in this regard is Mark Hemingway, a “staff reporter” for the “whites-only” mag National Review, who thinks that Larry Craig’s gymnastic contortions in a toilet stall pale in comparison to that stuff that big fag Barney Frank did:
Frank’s ex-boyfriend — er, friend that he paid for sex, put on the House payroll, and wrote letters to his Virginia probation officer vouching for him on congressional stationary — repaid the congressman’s kindness by running a brothel out of his house. That’s it. No joke — other than he’s still in Congress.
Right. Private consensual conduct is way worse than propositioning non-consenting adults in public places. If Mark really thinks that, let’s put it in terms that even he can understand — who would you rather have in an adjacent toilet stall? Barney or Larry? Thought so.
Now I think I understand why Hemingway seems to have a problem holding down a job for more than a year. . .
Bonsoir, Les Vaches!
Posted by Clif on 08/26/07 at 2:09 pm Category: St. Peggy of the Dolphins
Peggy Noonan has, apparently, been drunk for quite some time, at least judging from this account of a vodka-soaked balloon trip that Peggy once made:
Once I went hot-air ballooning in Normandy. It was the summer of 1991. It was exciting to float over the beautiful French hills and the farms with crisp crops in the fields. It was dusk, and we amused ourselves calling out “Bonsoir!” to cows
Well, at least she wasn’t amusing herself by calling out “Cheese-Eating Surrender Monkeys” to the people below. Sadly, however, Peggy’s airborne conversation with the cows came to a sudden end:
We had a problem and had to land. We looked for an open field, aimed toward it, and came down a little hard. The gondola dragged, tipped and spilled us out. A half dozen of us emerged scrambling and laughing with relief.
Of course, Peggy spilled her drink, but, no matter, another drink would miraculously appear before her buzz was killed:
Suddenly before us stood an old man with a cracked and weathered face. … He’d seen us coming from his farmhouse and stood before us with a look of astonishment as the huge bright balloon deflated and tumbled about. … The farmer said, or asked, “You are American.” We nodded, and he made a gesture–I’ll be back!–and ran to the house. He came back with an ancient bottle of Calvados, the local brandy.
No glasses, though. But, no matter, Peggy had, during the crash landing, held on to her own glass tighter than a priest holds on to a particularly fetching altar boy.
He told us–this will seem unlikely, and it amazed us–that he had not seen an American in many, many years, and we asked when. “The invasion,” he said. The Normandy invasion.
By 1991, Normandy was overrun with American tourists. Somebody isn’t telling the truth here. My money is on Peggy whose memory is, obviously, shrouded in an alcoholic haze.
Then he poured the Calvados and made a toast. I wish I had notes on what he said. Our French speaker translated it into something like, “To old times.”
This seems another bout of wishful thinking from Peggy who no doubt has fonder recollections of the “old times” than did this farmer, unless of course Peggy thinks that people think back wistfully about wartime. Can you imagine, for example, an Iraqi looking back nostalgically at the past four years in Iraq? More likely the farmer’s toast, if it ever occurred, would have been “To old Calvados” or “To outdoor sex” or “To Jerry Lewis!”
Peggy’s fabricated little fairy tale finally meanders to its ultimately intended destination - Iraq. Peggy imagines that some ballooning Americans
wind up over the hills of Iraq, and land, and an old guy comes out and says, “Are you an American?” And they say yes and he says, “A toast, to old times.”
At which point the old man tosses a grenade and blows them all to pieces.
Cloudy Thinking from Cliff May
Posted by Clif on 08/25/07 at 8:01 am Category: America's Shittiest Website, Wingnut Science, Climate Change
Cliff May dropped by America’s Shittiest Website™ yesterday to demonstrate yet again that he’s just too stupid to figure out how to use Google and find things on the Intertubes. I attribute this intellectual dissipation on May’s part to his having left his job as a full-time reporter to become a wingnut welfare queen king queen recipient.
Anyway, enough speculation about Cliff. Let’s hear from Cliff himself:
OK, I need some help here.
Well, yes you do, Cliff. And the first step on the path to recovery is to admit that you are powerless over your own stupidity.
If the oceans are becoming saltier due to global warming, that would imply more heat is causing increased evaporation.
Uh oh. Cliff is going to talk about global warming. That’s not good. It’s going to hurt his brain. Ours too.
More evaporation means more clouds.
Okay, pause here for a moment because this last statement, and the one right before, are the only two things Cliff says in his post — and arguably in his entire career — that are true.
More clouds means more sunlight reflected away from the Earth and back into space. And that would mean global cooling, no? What am I missing?
What is Cliff missing? Well, without going through the whole list, we’d say that Cliff is missing the common sense that the good Lord gave him and, apparently, is also missing a live connection to the Intertubes and those magical, mystical search engines that can be found there.
Otherwise, in about, oh, six seconds, Cliff could have found out that more clouds do not mean more sunlight reflected away from the Earth. Clouds do two things: they trap heat and they reflect heat. And the net effect of a cloud on global warming is whether it traps more heat than it reflects or vice versa. Low thick clouds reflect more heat than they trap and high thin clouds trap more heat than they reflect.
And it appears that the result of global warming has been more high thin clouds and less low deep ones.
Nevertheless, in basements across America, junior wingnuts are going to wipe the Ranch-flavored Dorito grunge from their fingers, scratch their heads after they read Cliff’s post, and say “Why didn’t I think of that? Global warming is clearly another librul hoax by peepls who are 2 s2pid to see that more heet meanz more clowdz and more koolin. Silly libruls!”
It’s Not a Flip-Flop, Silly, It’s a Flop-Flip
Posted by Clif on 08/23/07 at 10:11 pm Category: Wankers
Over at the Atlantic Monthly’s clown car of bloggers, there appears to be a fight-to-the-death struggle between Megan McCardle, who unaccountably thinks she’s smart, and Marc Ambinder, who astonishingly thinks he’s “pug-dog cute,” to see who can say the most foolish thing before the week is out. Ambinder’s entry in this contest is a lame-brained attempt to stick his snout up Mitt Romney’s butt and defend Romney’s latest flip-flop on abortion.
Romney’s Non Flip-Flop On Abortion
Former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney said this week that as president he would allow individual states to keep abortion legal, two weeks after telling a national television audience that he supports a constitutional amendment to ban the procedure nationwide.
Mitt Romney is simply struggling to explain the Republican Party’s conventional pro-life position. Which is: overturn Roe v. Wade. And then, slowly build up public support for a constitutional amendment banning abortions. ETA: 30 years or more.
This is not a flip-flop.
If by “flip-flop” you mean a light-weight open-toed rubber shoe often worn in gym showers to avoid athlete’s foot.
Note that when Mitt Romney said he supports a constitutional amendment to ban abortion he didn’t say “in thirty years.” And when he said he supports states deciding the issue, he didn’t say “for the next thirty years until we pass an amendment taking that right away.”
By Ambinder’s “pig-dog cute” logic, I am not being inconsistent if I say “Ambinder is an idiot” and then that “Ambinder is a genius” because what I’m really trying to say is that he’s an idiot right now but will be much smarter in 30 years.
One other thing, since Ambinder purports to be a blogger, perhaps he could provide a link providing some support that the “Republican party’s conventional pro-life position” is to overturn Roe v. Wade now and then pass a constitutional amendment thirty years from now. Oh, but wait, he can’t because, of course, that’s the Republican position thirty years from now.
Irritable Sowell Syndrome
Posted by Clif on 08/22/07 at 9:40 am Category: Wingnuts, Town Hall Watch
Of all of the jaw-droppingly idiotic things that have popped out of Thomas Sowell’s mouth, it is unlikely that he will ever be able to top this:
When the poor stop being poor, they lose the attention of the left.
Maybe, Professor Sowell, that is precisely because the whole point is to stop people from being poor. You know, Professor — to use a metaphor that you might more easily understand — once you’ve gotten a woody, you don’t have to keep popping the Viagra.
Meganomics
Posted by Clif on 08/21/07 at 9:45 am Category: Wankers
The Atlantic has given a blog and a new gig to libertarian crackpot Megan McArdle, who once advocated the extermination of old people to keep her own health insurance rates low. And even before she’s hacked up ten posts, she says something staggeringly stupid:
Sweatshop copies of great art. Weren’t many of the originals produced in similar factory-like conditions?
Er, no. I don’t think any of them were produced by factory workers who worked 16 hour days and were paid 40 cents per painting. The loathsome McCardle, of course, is asking this question because, like any good disciple of Ayn Rand, McCardle believes the free market is always right, even when it results in sweatshops, child labor, tainted foods, and lead paint.
But let’s suppose that McCardle is right and that the Mona Lisa was painted by minimum wage labor in an Italian sweatshop. Does that make the present day art reproduction sweatshops okay? I can just see McCardle’s next post:
Tainted food on store shelves. Didn’t people used to eat that stuff all the time?
Dachsund Beater on Vick: “At Least He Isn’t An Abortionist”
Posted by Clif on 08/20/07 at 6:04 pm Category: Wankers, Fundies
Dr. Dobson has an audio commentary on Michael Vick, which can be summarized simply as “What Vick did to those dogs pales in comparison to what liberals do every day to blastocysts!” Listen to it for yourself:
Of course, the snort-worthiest moment is when Dobson says:
As a person who absolutely loves dogs I cannot imagine how anyone could abuse one of them in the way that Vick is accused of doing.
I think Siggie the Dachshund, who once endured a savage beating at Dobson’s hands, might disagree:
When I told Sigmund to leave his warm seat and go to bed, he flattened his ears and slowly turned his head toward me. He deliberately braced himself by placing one paw on the edge of the furry lid, then hunched his shoulders, raised his lips to reveal the molars on both sides, and uttered his most threatening growl. …
I had seen this defiant mood before, and knew there was only one way to deal with it. The ONLY way to make Siggie obey is to threaten him with destruction. Nothing else works. I turned and went to my closet and got a small belt to help me “reason” with [Sigmund].
What developed next is impossible to describe. That tiny dog and I had the most vicious fight ever staged between man and beast. I fought him up one wall and down the other, with both of us scratching and clawing and growling and swinging the belt.
But who cares what happened to Siggie? Someone somewhere may be getting an abortion.