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Archive for June 2007
Heil Foods
Posted by Clif on 06/30/07 at 12:45 pm
Category: America's Shittiest Website, Jonah the Whale
Jonah “The Whale” Goldberg has been taking tons of heat for the latest revision to the title of his long-awaited magnum oafus Liberal Fascism, which now bears the unashamedly preposterous subtitle “The Totalitarian Temptation from Hegel to Whole Foods.” Rumor has it that “From Hegel to Whole Foods” edged out “From Walt Whitman to Weight Watchers” by only a slim (so to speak) margin.
People have been particularly perplexed by Jonah’s notion that fair-trade shade-grown coffee somehow goes “Hand im Handschuh” with the Final Solution, so Jonah tries to explain himself over at America’s Shittiest Website™:
Indeed, one gets the sense reading . . . some of my libertarian-reader email, that because Mackey [the owner of Whole Foods] is a libertarian . . . anything having to do with him, Whole Foods or the organic food fetish is beyond criticism. [They] might want to read, for starters, the writings of Ludwig Klages, Hitler’s Table Talk, The Nazi War on Cancer or How Green Were the Nazis before [flying] off the handle. . . .
Well, now that clears everything up, doesn’t it? Since, allegedly, the Nazis liked ecology and healthy eating, then both those things become fascist. Similar logic, of course, makes cigars communist because Castro likes to smoke them and cotton sheets racist because Klansmen like to wear them.
Of course, Jonah’s real beef with Whole Foods is that they don’t sell jelly donuts and Orange Fanta.
Colon’s Web
Posted by Clif on 06/28/07 at 4:13 pm Category: Alicia Colon
Oh good grief. Really. Just when you think that Staten Island’s wild and wacky wingnut Alicia Colon couldn’t outdo herself, she does. Yet again. The poor thing just soils herself and then stands there in a stained dress acting like nothing at all has happened.
In her latest column, Alicia is on a tear about condoms versus abstinence education. You can probably guess which side she’s on. And she quotes a few harsh words for those condom-waving liberals from a Heritage Foundation speech given by Evan “9-11 Changed Everything” Sayet:
Given the choice between promoting teenage abstinence and teenage promiscuity — they [liberals] will use their movies, their TV shows, their songs, even the schools to promote teenage promiscuity as if it’s cool. . . .Promoting vulgarity is part of their agenda.”
Now Alicia adds her 2 cents:
Ironically, I thought of his remarks watching the latest version of “Charlotte’s Web.”
Oh, please, say it ain’t so. Tell me that she’s not going to say that Hollywood made Charlotte a slut.
I can’t say that I’m overly familiar with the original story.
You shouldn’t be surprised by that since Alicia has never really shown much ability to read. Nor should you be surprised by the fact that not being familiar with the original story isn’t going to stop Alicia from commenting about how much worse the movie is than the original story, with, of course, Hollywood turning Charlotte into a Britney Spears with pigs and spiders:
But this [film] has its star, Dakota Fanning, making googly eyes at a young boy with whom she ends up riding on a Ferris wheel. Why unnecessarily interject a romance between children in a classic juvenile story?
Er, maybe, because it’s in the original?
The most fun there is,” retorted Fern, “is when the Ferris wheel stops and Henry and I are in the top car and Henry makes the car swing and we can see everything for miles and miles and miles.”
“Goodness, are you still thinking about that ol’ Ferris wheel?” said Avery in disgust. “The Fair was weeks and weeks ago.”
“I think about it all the time,” said Fern, picking snow from her ear.
That little tramp.
Ship of Fools
Posted by Clif on 06/26/07 at 2:36 pm Category: Wingnuts
Johann Hari, a columnist for The Independent, took a cruise on a National Review “Luxury” Cruise and shares his experience in this article (registration required) at The New Republic. By all means read the whole article, but for those of you who don’t have time because you’re too busy trying to figure out whether Dick Cheney is in the executive, legislative, or asshole branch, here are my favorite bits.
Robert “Do As I Say Not As I Sue” Bork momentarily forgot his allegedly incapacitating leg injury and climbed up on the cruise ship dais to talk to fellow cruisers about the War in Iraq:
The coverage of this war is unbelievable. Even Fox News is unbelievable. You’d think we’re the only ones dying. Enemy casualties aren’t covered. We’re doing an excellent job killing them.
You might think that the decrepit and infirm eighty-year-old former jurist must have just returned from the front lines of Iraq himself with the real story not covered by the media. But you’d be wrong.
Dinesh d’Bozo revealed a rule of thumb for telling good immigrants from the bad ones:
D’Souza summarizes the prevailing sentiment by unveiling what he modestly calls “D’Souza’s law of immigration”: An immigrant’s quality is “proportional to the distance traveled to get to the United States.”
You might think that D’Souza developed this rule — one that would treat Indian immigrants as national treasures and Latin immigrants as taco-breathing scum — completely independently of his own experience. But you’d be wrong.
Midge Decter got frisky after her fifth vodka stinger:
At one of the seminars, a panelist says anti-Americanism comes from both directions in a grasping pincer movement–”The Muslims condemn us for being decadent; the Europeans condemn us for not being decadent enough.” Midge Decter, Norman Podhoretz’s wife, yells, “The Muslims are right, the Europeans are wrong!”
You might think that Midge is more charming sober. But you’d be wrong.
La Shawn Joins the Klan
Posted by Clif on 06/25/07 at 10:03 pm Category: Town Hall Watch
La Shawn Barber is over at Clown Hall giving a lesson in Constitutional Law. This would be like me giving a lesson in quantum mechanics, except that my lesson on quantum mechanics would just be wrong, whereas La Shawn’s lesson on Constitutional Law is both wrong and ridiculous.
The occasion for La Shawn’s lecture is the 40th anniversary of the Supreme Court decision in Engel v. Vitale, which struck down state-mandated prayer in public schools:
Supreme Court Justice Hugo Black, a former Ku Klux Klan member, wrote the infamous line about the First Amendment erecting “a wall between church and state.” Black based this misunderstanding of the Constitution on a letter President Thomas Jefferson had written to the Danbury Baptist Association in 1802, 13 years after the First Amendment was signed.
“[T]he letter concerned not the issue of state establishments, but an explanation why Jefferson did not issue presidential declarations of Thanksgiving and fasting, as Presidents Washington and Adams had done,” writes Kevin R. C. Gutzman, author of The Political [sic] Incorrect Guide to the Constitution.
Er, no. Neither the Jefferson letter nor the Danbury Baptist letter to which he was responding said anything about Presidential declarations of Thanksgiving or fasting or President Washington or President Adams. The Danbury Baptists were concerned that as a minority religion they had no guarantees that their religious practices wouldn’t be constrained by unfavorable state legislation. La Shawn, honey, the next time you want to find out something about the Constitution, you should look somewhere a little more reliable than “The Political Incorrect Guide to the Constitution,” which has stuff that Gutzman apparently just made up.
Of course, former flight attendant La Shawn trots out the former Ku Klux Klan affiliation of Hugo Black without fully understanding that the Second Klan in the 1920s was not a violent group like the First Klan of the 1860s or the Third Klan of the 1960s, but a political organization that advocated prohibition and opposed immigration — sort of a cross between Frances Willard and Michelle Malkin. Her invocation of Black’s Klan membership becomes an extra special hilarity when two seconds later she invokes and adopts a discredited argument beloved of Southern Neoconfederates and the modern Klan:
Incidentally, the Fourteenth Amendment, through which the Supreme Court applied the Establishment Clause to the states, was meant to protect freed slaves, not prohibit state and local governments from setting their own religious policies. In fact, the Fourteenth Amendment itself was never ratified by three-fourths of the states and, therefore, is unconstitutional. But that’s another topic for another column.
Er, no, yet again. The Fourteenth Amendment was ratified by all 37 states. The Neoconfederates and White Supremacists, including Klan groups, who have argued that the Fourteenth Amendment wasn’t ratified, make the claim on the basis that ratifying the amendment was required as a precondition for re-entry of the Confederate states into the Union.
How odd that La Shawn would be endorsing a Klan position on the Fourteenth Amendment. Or maybe not.
IOKIYAAE*
Posted by Clif on 06/24/07 at 7:59 am Category: Wingnuts
The clowns at the Media Research Center are a pretty much constant source of amusement, and nowhere more so than on their blog NewsBusters where they try to play gotcha with the evil liberal press and its gay lackeys. A classic example of gotcha gone wrong comes from Michael Chapman, who was apparently named Director of Communications because of his inability to string two coherent thoughts together. Michael’s alleged “gotcha” appears in this post on Robin Williams.
Actor Robin Williams riffed on Catholic priests as pedophiles on NBC’s June 18 Tonight Show with Jay Leno, proving that anti-Catholic bigotry is alive and well and condoned among Hollywood’s elite, and apparently among the liberal media as well. Williams essentially smeared all priests, ignoring the fact that 81 percent of the victims in the Catholic Church were males abused by priests and that more than 40 percent of these victims were males aged 11 to 14. The majority of the victims, according to the official reports on the cases, involved people who were past puberty, i.e., young teenagers.
Because, you see, it’s rank bigotry to call statutory rape by Catholic priests pedophilia when it should instead be called ephebophilia. Can’t these liberal comedians get anything right?
* It’s Okay If Your Are An Ephebophile
High Noonan
Posted by Clif on 06/22/07 at 9:42 pm Category: Wingnuts
It’s been a while since St. Peggy of the Dolphins has dipped her bilious pen in her deep well of Hillary hatred. But she’s at it again today with a column about Hillary titled “What’s Not to Like?” which, of course, in Peggy’s view, is everything. Fortunately, there is much to be ridiculed in Peggy’s gin-scented tirade.
Peggy starts off with this:
Hillary Clinton doesn’t have to prove she’s a man. She has to prove she’s a woman.
Peggy, of course, is not only hinting that Hillary is a big ole dyke but is setting up the can’t win proposition that the right wants to foist off on Hillary. If she’s assertive, she’s a lezzie; if she softens up, she doesn’t have the right stuff to be commander-in-chief.
To wit, right after saying that Hillary needs to be more of a woman, Peggy pees on Hillary’s petticoats for doing just that:
Mrs. Clinton has chosen a campaign theme song. Why would Hillary pick a song distinguished only by its schmaltzy averageness? Because she thinks it’s the kind of music a likable, feminine middle class woman would like?
But wait, there’s more!
But there is another side of the Clinton campaign, and I found some of it this week. It is a new Web site called HillaryIs44.com. It is rather mysterious. It does not divulge who is running the site, or who staffs it.
But, of course, Peggy, using her trademark mix of extra-sensory powers and a few Bombay Sapphire martinis, knows that it’s being run by Hillary.
And it reads like [Hillary’s] Id. Hillary “took on” a journalist this week and “beat him into submission.” Bloomberg has “stripped himself of allies” in “New York’s cutthroat politics.” “Expect stormy days ahead for Bloomberg,” who will wind up “lonely.” Republicans “will attempt to rip him to shreds.” “A May surprise announcement will be met with mounds of research accumulated over the next 11 months.” In tone the site is very Tokyo Rose.
Ah, well then it must be Hillary’s site. By that logic, of course, every batshit crazy right-wing website written by someone who seems to have a drinking problem (like this one) is, of course, secretly being written by Peggy. Or channeling Peggy. Or something.
Another Clue in the Ben Shapiro Challenge
Posted by Clif on 06/21/07 at 10:16 pm Category: Politics, America's Worst Law Student
Ben’s only apparent job after graduating law school is as a “Contributing Editor” at Family Security Matters where he has “contributed” a post which not only warns that all young Hispanic men are murderous gang members but also provides a tantalizing clue about Ben’s employment history.
First, to the clue:
The L.A. County District Attorney’s Office is overloaded with gang violence cases – when I clerked for the DA’s Office last summer, there were scores of gang related shootings and robberies making their way through the system.
So maybe Ben’s working for the DA’s office in Los Angeles, since summer clerkships are usually preludes to full-time employment. If that’s the case I would recommend that Angelenos flee town before the guy who used to be America’s Worst Law Student™ becomes America’s Worst DA and by virtue of his sheer incompetence is responsible for the acquittal of hundreds of hardened criminals.
That being out of the way, let’s see what Ben has to say about why all young Hispanic men are murderous gang members:
Many of the Hispanic gang members are children of illegal immigrants, unhappy with their parents’ inability to overcome underclass status. Illegal immigrants have few marketable skills beyond physical labor, and that labor is marketable only because they are illegal and need not be paid minimum wage. The moment that illegal immigrants gain citizenship, they will be out of jobs. Poor, unemployed, non-English speaking people with relatives across the Mexican border are not the ideal American citizens. They are, in fact, the sort of citizens whose children tend to join gangs.
That has to set a record, even for Ben, of the longest string of questionable and unsupported assertions ever assembled in one paragraph, not to mention a chain of causation that would make Rube Goldberg envious. According to Ben, illegal immigrants become citizens, lose their jobs as a result, which then causes their children to become gang members, apparently because they have relatives in Mexico or something.
Let’s suppose Ben is really a DA now in Los Angeles. I can just hear him arguing that the defendant is guilty not because there was any actual evidence but because the defendant’s mother sold tamales to a family that had a dog that bit a neighbor who had a family in Mexico that came to LA to avenge the dog bite but instead made the defendant drink too much tequila which made him rob a schoolmate to get money to buy more limes or something like that. That would make as much sense as his wild speculation about why kids become gang members.
Anyway, don’t forget there’s a rich reward to any reader who can pin down Ben’s actual post-graduation employment.
You Be the Judge
Posted by Clif on 06/20/07 at 1:07 pm Category: Wingnuts
Something has gotten the wingnuts all riled up because two of our favorite clinically-insane wingnuts — Ann Althouse and Cliff Kincaid — have recently written things that, even by their own high standards of lunacy, explore new frontiers in delusional thinking. Consider these two quotes and then vote in comments as to which of the two has a greater need to be on meds (or more meds as the case may be).
Contestant No. 1 — Cliff Kincaid:
While Media Matters, which is run by a homosexual, would prefer that the questions not be asked, let alone answered, the Senator’s unusual relationship with her husband, the former president, cries out for scrutiny. Her alleged lesbianism may just be a rumor or a smear, as claimed by Darrell M. West of Brown University, who has studied the controversy, but it will not go away as long as questions persist about Bill Clinton’s seemingly unquenchable desire for women other than his wife.
Contestant No. 2 — Ann Althouse:
Bill says “No onion rings?” and Hillary responds “I’m looking out for ya.” Now, the script says onion rings, because that’s what the Sopranos were eating in that final scene, but I doubt if any blogger will disagree with my assertion that, coming from Bill Clinton, the “O” of an onion ring is a vagina symbol. Hillary says no to that, driving the symbolism home. She’s “looking out” all right, vigilant over her husband, denying him the sustenance he craves. What does she have for him? Carrot sticks! . . . Everyone knows carrots are phallic symbols.
Okay, so which is crazier: to say that Bill Clinton thinks that onion rings are vaginas or to say that Hillary is a lesbian because Bill Clinton thinks that onion rings are vaginas? Vote in comments.