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Archive for February 2007
Another Colonic Irritation
Posted by Clif on 02/27/07 at 12:42 pm
Category: Wingnuts, Alicia Colon
Alicia Colon, New York City’s least talented columnist and Staten Island’s most talented resident, is at it again today with her latest column “Eek! There’s a Muslim. Run for Your Life!” Demonstrating her trademarked perspicacity, Alicia digs up a long-discredited bit of nonsense and venerates it like the image of the Virgin Mary on a Houston school cafeteria pizza pan.
In this case, Alicia trots out the killer at Trolley Square in Salt Lake City as another Muslim jihadist:
When the man who killed five in a Salt Lake City shopping mall earlier this month was identified as a Bosnian Muslim, I was reminded of a conversation I had two years ago with a Russian American comedienne, Julia Gorin, who predicted the next attack would be by blond, blue-eyed Bosnians. Was Sulejmen Talovic blond and blue-eyed? Who knows?
Who knows? Er, Alicia, the Google knows. (He wasn’t).
Only Alicia would rely on a prediction by an obscure stand-up comic to prove that Sulejmen Talovic was a jihadist in face of all the evidence to the contrary. Talovic had stopped attending mosque. Police found no suicide note or jihadist materials. He had a history of violence and prior run-ins with the juvenile courts.
But Alicia isn’t as dumb as she looks. She anticipated this attack and has yet another reason that proves that Talovic was a jihadist:
In fact, the news that he was a Muslim was not immediately reported, but it was suspected by many bloggers familiar with what is known as Sudden Jihad Syndrome.”
The absence of evidence of something can, with one wave of the SJS wand, become the evidence itself. This is the best thing that happened for wingnuttery since the Fox Channel! The fact that there was no evidence that Talovic was a jihadist proves that he suddenly became one overnight, which is why, of course, there’s no evidence. The fact that there is no evidence of WMD in Iraq proves that they were sneaked into Syria at the very last minute. The fact that there is no evidence of a conspiracy to kill JFK proves there was a conspiracy because the purpose of a conspiracy is to cover up the conspiracy. The possibilities are endless.
Suggest your own variants of SJS in the comments!
Global Clowning
Posted by Clif on 02/25/07 at 10:50 am Category: Town Hall Watch
For our Sunday Clown Hall roundup we have Nathan Tabor and Patrick Ruffini, that dynamic duo of nitwitticism who provide hope to thousands of ambitious dimwits that they too could one day become Town Hall columnists.
Let’s start off with Nathan:
This week—perhaps emboldened by the groundhog predicting an early spring—Old Man Winter came roaring back . . . . As [people] shivered amid wind-chill levels well below zero, it must have come as a comfort that Al “Global Warming” Gore is once again at work, trying to free the world from the tyranny of temperatures above the freezing mark. . . . Earth to Gore: It’s 12 degrees outside. Are we really suffering from global warming—or just a liberal propaganda campaign?
Which is rather like arguing that if one day goes bay in Iraq without a sectarian murder, then the surge is working, which nicely segues us to Patrick Ruffini:
Early indications are that the troop surge into Baghdad is working. It hasn’t been reported on widely, but murders in Baghdad are down 70%, attacks are down 80%. The strategy that Congress is busy denouncing is proving to be our best hope for victory.
Or not.
(By the way, we’ll award a special prize to anyone who can find a link backing up Ruffini’s wingnut-tistics)
Chris Buttars Caption Contest
Posted by Clif on 02/24/07 at 6:24 pm Category: Buttars
Sen. Chris Buttars, R-West Jordan, left, and Lee Gardner (Al Hartmann/The Salt Lake Tribune)
Utah Republican state senator Chris Buttars is shown above being chased down by a dodo as part of a publicity stunt for Flock of Dodos, a new documentary film on the intelligent-design-atics. I’m sure that one of you faithful Outsiders™ can come up with a snappy caption in comments.
Whatever It Takes, Fluffy
Posted by Clif on 02/22/07 at 11:02 pm Category: Buttars
Utah Republican State Senator Chris Buttars today once again pushed the envelope of wingnuttery into uncharted territory with his criticism of Utah legislation that would make animal torture (not animal cruelty but animal torture) a felony:
Sen. Chris Buttars, R-West Jordan, said he is worried about the stigma people convicted of torturing an animal would face and that they would never be allowed to own a gun.
“Man, talk about being marked,” said Buttars. “To make a felon out of a person that does something foolish and wrong and then mark them for life on employment (applications) and they can’t ever own or enjoy a firearm. … That’s just wrong.”
Because you know just because a bunch of fellows get a little stoked up while watching 24 and decide to waterboard the family Shih Tzu, that doesn’t mean they should never again be able to shoot cats in the backyard, does it?
Why We Are in Iraq: Wingnut Rationale #2,240
Posted by Clif on 02/21/07 at 11:54 pm Category: Loathsome Republicans, Iraq, Stupid Republicans
During the Senate debate on the Iraq Resolution, the White House’s favorite garden gnome, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III1 (R - AL), provided a brand new reason for the invasion of Iraq. Out of the 2,239 different justifications that the Republicans have so far tried to proffer for the invasion, Sessions undoubtedly managed to come up with the most preposterous of them all:
At the end, a great deal of emphasis was placed on the question of weapons of mass destruction by the President and others. But for most of us, I think it was a strategic American decision based on the fundamental questions: . . . would Saddam Hussein be able to continue to say–actually say with conviction and some honesty–that he had won the 1991 gulf war? He said he won the war.
That’s right. We invaded Iraq, killed tens of thousands Iraqis, and have so far sacrificed more than 3,000 soldiers lives so that Hussein wouldn’t have bragging rights. This apparently makes sense to Sessions who once burned down the house of a neighbor who said that Jeffie’s huntin’ hound was mangy and couldn’t find a dead bird in a garbage can.
Don’t believe me? Watch it and weep:
I don’t know about you, but after watching that I’d give Alabama a mulligan on the Civil War business and simply let them secede.
_______
1Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III is the senator’s real name. I’m not kidding.
Jonah Gets a Colonoscopy
Posted by Clif on 02/21/07 at 12:01 am Category: Wingnuts, America's Shittiest Website, Iraq, Alicia Colon
New York’s most imbecilic columnist, Alicia Colon, has made an amazing discovery:
The total military dead in the Iraq war between 2003 and this month stands at about 3,133. . . . What is never compared is the number of military deaths during the Clinton administration: 1,245 in 1993; 1,109 in 1994; 1,055 in 1995; 1,008 in 1996. That’s 4,417 deaths in peacetime but, of course, who’s counting?
Holy Shit. Who would’ve guessed that the Clenis killed more soldiers than George Bush? Uh, that would be Jonah the Whale, who read Alicia’s column, and like a dog that can’t see another dog’s pile of poop without eating it, gobbles this up whole, citing Alicia’s discovery verbatim and calling the whole pile of poop a “pretty powerful op-ed.”
Of course, anyone with several more brain cells than the sole fruit of Lucianne Goldberg’s loins would realize that Ms. Colon’s comparison was bogus since she is comparing battlefield deaths in Iraq during Bush’s administration to deaths from all causes (including accident, suicide and illness) and in all locations during Clinton’s administration. The figures (at least through 2004) are here and show, not surprisingly, that all deaths from all causes in each of 2003 and 2004 exceed the death from all causes during any year while Clinton was in office.
Be Cool! Listen to What Clif Listens to!
Posted by Clif on 02/19/07 at 10:26 am Category: Unintentional HumorTwo can play this game!
Clown Hall Sunday
Posted by Clif on 02/18/07 at 2:38 pm Category: Wingnuts, Town Hall Watch
Because it’s a three-day weekend, I don’t want to spend all day cruising the wingnutosphere. So let’s take a trip to Clown Hall and quickly pick some of the plentiful low-hanging fruit that is always to be found there.
Let’s start with a math class from Rebecca Hagelin:
Along comes a film like “Eight Below,” a family-friendly Disney adventure about a pack of sled dogs that survive being abandoned in a frozen wasteland, and what happens? It cost $40 million to make and earned more than $81 million. That’s a profit of 101 percent.
Next let’s go visit Mary Grabar, Temporary Assistant Professor of English at Clayton State University (also known as the “Harvard of Atlanta”), and find out why they put “temporary” in that title:
Were you aware that science as a mode of thought came about through monotheism? You see, the idea of a single creator made it possible for human beings to view creation as separate from spirit. And thus humanity advanced from one that believed that spirits lived in trees and rocks to one that believed that one Creator created this intricately marvelous world we live in. The scientific endeavor then became one where individuals observed and studied various aspects of this creation. That is called science.
No, Mary, that is called utter bullshit.
And who is that guy over there trying to put his left arm in his right coat sleeve? Why, that would be Kevin “Muscle Head” McCullough, who has this to say:
In recent political cycles liberals must have the vote of the poorly informed but overly hyped African American voting majority in order to stand a chance.
Gee, Kevie, why don’t you just call them stupid n****rs while you’re at it?
Before we leave, let’s go pay a visit to the big fella with sloppy joe stains on his shirt — Jonathan “Hungry Man” Hawkins — for a history lesson:
Liberals in Congress cut off the aid and air support we promised the South Vietnamese. The result? . . .
Our country’s reputation around the world was left in tatters, which led to a revolution in Nicaragua, the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan. . . .
It also led to Hurricanes Andrew and Katrina, gay marriage in Massachusetts, the demise of the eight-track tape player, and the tragic death of Dale Earnhardt.
Lies and the Lying Anti-Semites Who Tell Them
Posted by Clif on 02/15/07 at 8:33 am Category: Wingnuts
Loathsome anti-Semite and homophobe Bill Donohue is a liar too. Because of his efforts to get Amanda Marcotte and Melissa McEwan fired from the Edwards campaign, Donohue has been receiving plenty of scrutiny for some pretty foul things that have come out of his own mouth. In particular, he’s been called on anti-Semitism for saying on Fox (where else?) that:
Hollywood is controlled by secular Jews who hate Christianity in general and Catholicism in particular.
Yesterday Donohue’s organization, Catholics for Civil Rights for non-Gay Catholics, issued a press release to defend the Hollywood statement with this palpably bizarre defense:
The Forward, one of the nation’s most prestigious Jewish newspapers, editorialized in 2004 that it is merely a “sociological observation” to say “Jews run Hollywood.” Is the Jewish Forward anti-Semitic?
Except, of course, that’s not what the Forward said. Read the editorial which Donohue referenced and tried to find the phrase “sociological observation” which Donohue quoted from the editorial. Hmmm, can’t find it, can you? Once people start lying, they just don’t know how to stop.
This is the relevant passage from the Forward:
The secret role of the “the,” [Trinity College humanities professor Berel] Lang argues, is its implication of a Jewish collective responsibility: The phrase “Jews control Hollywood,” he offers as an example, asserts the belief that certain individuals control Hollywood, and that those individuals are Jewish. The phrase “the Jews control Hollywood,” on the other hand, not only asserts the belief that the certain people who control Hollywood are Jewish, but that their control of Hollywood is a purposeful, concerted act.
For starters, the Forward is quoting Lang without endorsement; it is not necessarily the editorial position of the Forward. Moreover, even Professor Lang is not implying that “Jews run Hollywood” isn’t anti-Semitic. His simple point is that saying “the Jews run Hollywood” is worse.
So, no, Bill, the Forward isn’t anti-Semitic — you are.
UPDATE: Commenter Joeyess received an email from the Catholic League for Civil Rights for non-Gay Catholics which included text of an article that did appear in the Forward but isn’t available on its website. That article did say that the statement “Jews run Hollywood” is a sociological observation. It does not, however, say that the phrase “Jews run Hollywood” can’t be anti-Semitic. For example, saying that the “Jews who run Hollywood are money-lenders and baby killers” would clearly be anti-Semitic. So the article cited by Donohue doesn’t support his bizarre claim that saying that the “secular Jews who run Hollywood hate Christianity” isn’t anti-Semitic.
(Cross-posted at The American Street.)