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Archive for August 2005
Swank on Sodom
Posted by Clif on 08/31/05 at 11:18 pm
Category: Gay Issues, Radical Clerics
I was going to do a poll about which evangelical wingnut would be the first to tie Katrina to gays in New Orleans but before I could post the poll, “Pastor” Swank rushed in where wingnut fools aren’t afraid to tread and won the race:
“Southern Decadence” was set for New Orleans soon. It was to be a yearly hoopla celebrating practicing homosexuality as a legitimate, giddy lifestyle.In other words, Sodom and Gomorrah were to be reenacted in broad daylight — and into the night haunts as well. It would be one high ol’ time of it in the southern scape.
Police would be forced to look the other way or fill the jails to overflowing. . . . Businesses would money-shoot off the charts from homosexuals’ open wallets in festive abandon.
Then came along Katrina.
Now New Orleans is under water, bathing in sewage and devastation rather than providing downtown fountains for homosexual capers aplenty.
As far as Repent America is concerned, divine judgment has come upon a metropolis that was bent on making its environs open to hell’s demons. Therefore, God intervened.
Repent America brings the nation back to Jesus’ opening call.
Repent America’s director, Michael Marcavage, said that “‘this act of God destroyed a wicked city. New Orleans was a city that opened its doors wide open to the public celebration of sin. May it never be the same.
So, since I lost my idea for a poll, I thought that I should send a letter to the Swanky Pastor and ask him to explain himself.
I read your column on the fate of New Orleans with great interest. I did have a few questions about your excellent analysis and I hoped that you would share your answers with me.
I certainly agree that New Orleans was a haven for homosexual wickedness and I understand why God might decide to destroy the city in a flood of sewage. But why did He have to demolish Biloxi, Gulfport and Mobile at the same time? Last time I checked, these cities weren’t ground zero for gay weekends but were good Southern Baptist towns. Is it because He has bad aim? I thought God was perfect.
Also if God was going to treat New Orleans like Sodom and Gomorrah, why didn’t He wait until “Southern Decadence” was in progress? If He had waited another few days, He could have drowned hundreds, maybe thousands, of homosexuals. Instead, He gave the liberal media more than a week to warn the homosexuals that a Category 5 hurricane was pointed at New Orleans, giving them plenty of time to cancel their reservations and have their “homosexual capers” elsewhere.
I look forward to your guidance on these issues.
Blessedly yours,
Clif
If I get a response from Pastor Swank, you’ll find it here.
This Speaks For Itself
Posted by Clif on 08/31/05 at 8:17 am Category: Civil Rights
Via Steve Gilliard.
Dousing Dissent
Posted by Clif on 08/30/05 at 10:16 pm Category: Loathsome Republicans, Civil Rights
During Bush’s trip to Cucamonga Ranch, pro-Bush demonstrators responded to a black anti-war demonstrator by waving a confederate flag and dousing him with water. That should remind you of this.
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It Takes a Family to Raise Two Wingnuts
Posted by Clif on 08/30/05 at 9:43 am Category: Town Hall Watch
Further proof that stupidity and wingnuttery are genetically determined comes from David Limbaugh, the brother of Oxycontin Rush. David had this to say in his column at Clown Hall:
It’s easy to blame President Bush for failing sufficiently to articulate his case for the war against Iraq, but he does have a nation to lead and a war to fight. Plus, he already made the case for attacking Iraq at the time it mattered — before we attacked.
And it’s easy to blame me for failing sufficiently to articulate how stupid Limbaugh’s statement is, but I have a blog to run. Plus I already made the case that Limbaugh was dumb as dirt when it mattered.
That Depends on What the Definition of Is(lam) Is
Posted by Clif on 08/29/05 at 12:25 pm Category: Lying Republicans
The best place for Republicans to lie is on Fox News, because nobody on Fox will ever challenge anything a Republican says. So Mitch McConnell (R - Ky.) took a few moments off on Sunday from stuffing ham biscuits down his craw to tell an unchallenged whopper on Chris Wallace’s show:
This is a constitution, certainly, by Middle Eastern standards, that’s astonishing. . . . And while Islam is mentioned, it is not the controlling law of the country.
And what the draft Iraqi constitution actually says is this:
Islam is the official religion of the state and is a basic source of legislation . . . . No law can be passed that contradicts the undisputed rules of Islam.
Sure looks like the controlling law to me.
Supersizing Alabama
Posted by Clif on 08/28/05 at 9:59 am Category: Red States
A recent study revealed that Alabama, already the nation’s second fattest state, had the highest increase in obesity in the U.S. between 2002 and 2004. Studies show that 27.7 percent of Alabamans are obese and some 63.5 percent are overweight.
So how does Alabama respond? Why, by making 2005 the Year of Alabama Food and sponsoring a tour called, incredibly, “100 Dishes to Eat in Alabama Before You Die.” Some have suggested alternate titles such as “100 Dishes to Eat in Alabama That Will Make You Die” or “100 Ways To Eat Roadkill.”
The website for The Year of Alabama Food even offers up some of Alabama’s “killer” recipes. Probably the most appalling is the one for “Ripe Cherry Congealed Salad” which sounds bad enough and no doubt probably looks more like an eye infection than something you would actually want to eat. Read (or prepare) the recipe at your own risk.
(This post was inspired by s.z.’s homage to Twinkie Sushi)
Don’t Quit Your Day Job, Jonah
Posted by Clif on 08/27/05 at 4:00 pm Category: America's Shittiest Website
Well, Jonah “The Whale” Goldberg had his eight minutes and ten seconds on National (re)Public(an) Radio this morning, and I don’t think he’s going to be asked back anytime soon. Jonah reached staggering levels of incoherence that would make even gin-soaked Christopher Hitchens sound quite lucid by comparison.
Here is what Jonah had to say about Bush’s “Hooray for War!” Stump Tour and Fishing Trip last week:
I think he [Bush] has not done the best job. As a supporter of the war I find it somewhat disheartening. Uh Politics. Big politics. Little politics. It’s all about the stories you tell. And President Bush has not seemed able to tell any new stories about Iraq. Now admittedly he’s in a bit of a bind. It’s very difficult to say, to have a policy of stay the course and at the same time sound like your saying something new because by definition staying the course is not something new. But anytime, now you can stay the course on a trip to China and still go through alot of different terrain. And you go over mountains, you go through valleys, and it doesn’t sound like President Bush has been eager to tell the new stories
What on earth is this nincompoop trying to say? He’s saying Bush needs a new story about staying the course but you can’t have new stories about that unless of course you think of China and the mountains, and the Great Wall, and pandas, and bamboo, and valleys, and moo shu pork, and little people riding bicycles everywhere, and General Tso’s chicken, and lots of food, and look over there! Another panda! Now, what were we saying?
The best part came at the end of the interview. Scott Simon thanked Jonah for being on the show and the doltish lump (who every day more and more resembles Dudley Dursley) just sat there without saying anything. After a few seconds of strained silence, Scott said “Jonah Goldberg, you could say thanks.” “Oh, yeah,” Jonah giggled, “thank you very much.”
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I suppose you can’t expect the offspring of Lucianne Goldberg to have anything resembling manners.
Changes at National (re)Public(an) Radio
Posted by Clif on 08/26/05 at 1:17 pm Category: America's Shittiest Website, Loathsome Republicans
The fingerprints of NPR’s new Republican overlord are now beginning to show themselves. Tomorrow Jonah “The Whale” Goldberg is replacing Daniel Schorr on NPR’s Weekend Edition. I’m so not kidding.
I suppose we’ll probably see these replacements in the near future:
And Then Blood Rushed from His Brain to His . . .
Posted by Clif on 08/25/05 at 8:54 pm Category: Wingnuts
James “Big Jim” Taranto, the supremely ridiculous editor of the Wall Street Journal’s free website OpinionJournal, saw a letter from “Cindy Crawford” printed in the New York Times today and got a raging woody. (Big Jim takes pre-emptive doses of Cialis. . . just in case. Yet another sad example of hope triumphing over experience).
Then when Big Jim read her letter, in which she said that war critics should just shut up and remember the good old days right after September 11 when we all loved one another, well, he had to stay seated at his desk until the stain dried. It was the hottest letter he had read since that one he read in the Penthouse Forum about the chick who really dug fat guys.
While stuck at his desk, Big Jim reprinted Cindy’s letter on the Journal’s website under the title “Supermodels for Bush.” Because that Cindy Crawford, of course, had to be the hot one, and now that she was spouting right-wing nonsense she had become even more irresistable to Big Jim than a 32 oz. Porterhouse and a wheelbarrow of fries.
Okay, big feller, put down the drink and get a grip. There are lots of Cindy Crawfords in the world. Not all of them are supermodels. The one who signed the NYT letter is, according to the address given at the end of the letter, from Morristown, New Jersey. The one who gets you all jiggly lives in Malibu, Los Angeles, New York City and Westchester. Oops.
And that’s what we call fact-checking at the Wall Street Journal.
Chickenhawk in Whine Sauce: Part II
Posted by Clif on 08/25/05 at 8:53 am Category: Wingnuts, Town Hall Watch, America's Worst Law Student
Well the ink was hardly dry on “In Defense of Chickenhawkery: Part I” before Ben Shapiro, or as we like to call him America’s Worst Law Student™, proffers up for our reading pleasure “In Defense of Chickenhawkery: Part II.” And what a fine concoction of bullshit and wingnuttery it is!
The amazing thing about Ben’s chickenhawkery series is that he writes on and on and on about why chickenhawkery is good and liberalism is bad without mentioning, even once, that he himself is a proud chickenhawk. No, Ben, it would appear, is only talking about the right of other people to beat war drums from their office cubicles. I guess this means that Ben thinks he has some valid (but unspoken) excuse for not serving and so is not really a chickenhawk. Perhaps this is Ben’s sly way of finally admitting that he has impure thoughts about rolling around in a cheap motel room with Sean Hannity. Problem is I think that the Army’s so desperate for enlistments that they’d be willing to overlook this in Ben’s case. So, I think the “chickenhawk” label is sticking here.
Now let’s see what Ben has to say in Part II:
Richard Bradley, one of the many cynical Sheehan-users over at Arianna Huffington’s website, expresses the “chickenhawk” argument this way: “Thanks in large part to Cindy Sheehan, people are starting to raise the issue of why Jenna and Barbara Bush aren’t serving in the military. It’s a tough question, but I think it’s a fair one.”This isn’t a fair question — in fact, it’s an un-American question. Those who do not serve in the military have just as much of a right to speak out about foreign policy as those who do.
Have I missed something here, by the way? Have Barbara and Jenna managed to detach themselves from their barstools long enough to start giving lectures at the Foreign Policy Institute or something? No?? I didn’t think so.
Ben thinks the chickenhawk argument would lead to other really dire consequences beyond depriving us of Jenna’s musings on Darfur:
Of course, despite their multitudinous statements about how military men and women know the costs of war best, the last thing in the world the left wants is for the military to control foreign policy
Once again, the point of the chickenhawk argument has gone whizzing past Ben’s ears like the real bullets he’s so desperately trying to dodge. Nobody is saying that the Pentagon should control foreign policy, only that young healthy kids eligible for military service who are fighting the war from their laptop in Starbucks should either (a) enlist, (b) explain why they can’t or (c) say straight out that dying in wars is for the poor kids who couldn’t get into Harvard.
To wind up his not-so-brilliant not-so-tour-de-force on chickenhawkery, Ben comes up with an argument that proves that Ben’s grasp on political reality is, er, a little loose:
Pacifists don’t want to discuss real foreign policy issues — they want to call names. If you can’t win over the populace at large, the only solution left is to stifle the argument. That’s what “chickenhawk” is about. At the end of the day, “chickenhawk” is morally and intellectually chicken
Ben has obviously been too busy “researching” internet porn sites to actually read a newspaper since current numbers show that 54 percent of the American public thinks that the invasion of Iraq was a mistake. So I don’t think people are calling Ben a chickenhawk because that’s the only way to win the debate. We’re calling the little chickenshit a chickenhawk because that’s what he is.
Burqa Queen
Posted by Clif on 08/24/05 at 12:23 pm Category: Wingnuts, Town Hall Watch
When we last saw Rebecca Hagelin at Clown Hall she was explaining how she had made her daughter Kristin cry in a department store. They were shopping for bathing suits for Kristin to wear on their summer vacation. But, of course, because department stores are all run by liberals who want to make Rebecca’s daughter look like a ho, problems had ensued. All the swimsuits were just two darn tiny. After two hours of looking for swimsuits (yes, two hours, which must mean that hundreds of suits were rejected by Mom), Kristin had just had it and burst into tears. Not to be deterred, Rebecca dragged Kristin all over town until five or six hours later they finally found a burqa that Kristin could wear to the beach.
Clown Hall readers being Clown Hall readers, Rebecca’s column generated tons of supportive email from other mothers who have a hard time finding burqas and other suitable attire for their daughters. Rebecca reprints some of those emails in her latest column and, then, makes a shocking admission of yet another indignity she regularly visits on her daughter:
It can be tough to take a stand in favor of modest clothing. But it can be done. Just ask some of the friends Kristin has brought to our house.Occasionally, a girl visits wearing something inappropriate — a midriff-baring shirt, a short skirt, a low neckline.
I smile and say, “God made you a person of value. You’re somebody special who deserves to be respected. So when you’re in my home, I want you to dress in a way that reflects the treasure you are. So let’s go upstairs. You can pick out anything you like to cover up while you’re here.”
That’s right. Ms. Looney Tunes re-dresses the neighbors’ kids when they show up with low necklines (although low necklines are apparently okay for Rebecca’s publicity photo) or other offending attire. The major result of this policy, of course, is that no one comes anymore to visit Kristin because her mother is a whack job.
I couldn’t help but imagine what might happen when Rebecca tries to pull this stunt:
Rebecca: “Honey, I want you to dress in a way that reflects the treasure that you are.”Kristin’s Friend: “That is how I dress, Mrs. Hagelin.”
Rebecca: “No, honey, we hide our treasures.”
Kristin’s Friend: “Then what’s with the two beemers and the gi-normous SUV in your driveway and that big ass plasma on the wall? They don’t look so hidden to me.”
Rebecca: “No smart talk, young lady, go cover yourself up.”
Kristin’s Friend: “I don’t think so. I’m going home to tell my mom that you think she dresses me like a ho.”
Kristin, sobbing beneath her burqa in the corner as Mom chased away yet another friend, resolved to leave home as soon as possible and become a porn star in L.A.