"A Very Merry Wingnut Christmas" (12/14/2004)
T
he wingnuts at National Review are getting ready for Christmas and have a sleighful of bunk for Santa to drop down your chimney.
Let's start with
Jay "I Hate NY" Nordlinger:
Speaking of Christmas: It is murder — just murder — trying to find a card that says "Merry Christmas." You just can't. "Happy Holidays, "Season's Greetings," "The Peace of the Season" — till the cows come home. But "Merry Christmas"? Very, very difficult. Good luck finding a card you desire with that message.
Ya ever hear of Hallmark, you
clueless, annoying twit? Well look
here, a Hallmark card with "Merry Christmas!" And
here are a few Hallmark stores just steps away from Jay's office on 315 Lexington.
Well, if Jay is having a hard time finding "Merry Christmas" cards in New York, you won't have such a hard time finding racist Confederate memorabilia at the National Review's online gift store. Just click on
Christmas Gifts for Conservatives. And there you'll find
"Confederate General 'JO' Shelby's Calvary Sword" for $99.95.
Now in case you have any doubts why a wingnut would want Confederate memorabilia, the product description provides this interest-whetting information:
General Shelby led his Missouri volunteers on the longest cavalry raid of the War Between the States. From September 22, 1863, to November 3 of the same year, Shelby's "Iron Brigade" traveled fifteen hundred miles, inflicted more than a thousand casualties, and captured or destroyed $2 million worth of Union property. When the Confederacy fell, this "undefeated rebel" refused to surrender and took his command to Mexico.
The Civil War fascinates collectors, re-enactors, and conservatives because of its unique place at the dawn of modern warfare. The years 1861-65 saw the gallant Southern patriot wielding traditional weapons, in defense of his home and traditional way of life.
The traditional way of life would be, um, slavery. What a hero that General Shelby! Fled to Mexico! Thousands of American soldiers killed!! Millions of dollars of U.S. property destroyed!!!
And to think Jay Nordlinger, in the same column with the Christmas card rant, got his boxers in a bunch with the New York Library Gift Shop for selling a Che Guevara watch:
Now: Does it matter that the New York Public Library, presumably one of our most important cultural and intellectual institutions, celebrates Guevara this way? (And did you know that the library had a gift shop?) I suppose so. But opposition seems so futile, and tiny.
A lot of people — I hear from them — are comforted by the fact that this Communist killer and enslaver has become a capitalist commodity. "Don't you see the irony, Jay?!" If it is comfort, it is cold.
Hmm, and the difference between Che and JO would be . . . ? Oh, I forgot,
IOKIYAAC*
And speaking of capitalism, the NR gift shop has the 2004 White House Christmas Ornament available for
$24.95. Of course, if you can type "2004 White House Christmas Ornament" into Google (undoubtedly a little rough for the loyal right-wing readers of NR), you can buy the same ornament direct from the source, the White House Historical Association, for - gasp -
$16.00. Talk about a capitalist commodity. Talk about a stupidity tax.
And then we have a stocking stuffer from the NR Christmas gift shop for right-wing children everywhere -- Karen "Married to Rick" Santorum's classic opus,
Everyday Graces: A Child's Book of Good Manners. This book explains, I presume, how best to behave when your mom
brings home a miscarried fetus to show to you. Or what to do when your father
lies to public officials.
Finally, we have from the kind folks at NR the
George W. Bush Christmas Ornament, pictured above. Seb at
Sadly, No! wonders why the President is wearing lipstick. Others wonder why he looks like Liberace. A perfect Christmas gift for that gay Republican couple on your Christmas list.
*It's Okay If You Are A Confederate.
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